Whose line is it anyway?: Hellsing style!
by Richard Kaine
Summary: The Hellsing cast plays a rousing game of Whose Line! Summaries are mot my strong suit! Rating may go up for small cursing!
1. Part one: The Madness begins

Whose Line is it Anyway: Hellsing style!

Porunga: (Sitting at a large desk and tapping a pencil on a desk) Hello and welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway: Hellsing Style, the fanfic that reads the funny parts back to you when you're too busy laughing. (Camera pans to Victoria) Featuring "They call me 'police girl'" Seras Victoria! (There is much clapping as the camera pans over to Alucard) Also joining us is "Is it Alucard or Arucard" Alucard! (There is much clapping as Alucard crosses his legs and smirks) Then we have "I'm apparently the only surviving Hellsing" Integra! (Integra smokes a cigar and just sits there) And finally, "Those wussy Paladin's give me a bad name" Alexander Anderson! (Anderson is seen reading the bible and glancing at Alucard from time to time) And a big shout out to BIGDADDY on piano, Gunlord on the guitar, you're big helps! Now then, I'm sure you all know how this works, so I won't bother with rules and I'll plunge our cast members into a game called Film TV and Theater styles. Now then, I need suggestions my faithful audience!

Alucard: (As suggestions are being screamed) What's going on Police Girl?

Victoria: Well, they suggest different styles of movies and plays and TV shows, then we act a scene and we change our attitudes to fit the style suggested.

Alucard: Ah…Humans have the most bizarre idea of recreation.

Porunga: Ok, that should do it. Now then, the scene is as follows. Integra (Seras)has called Walter(Alucard) into her office to fire him, when Ferguson (Alexander) runs in and informs them that a Vampire is attacking. You'll start out normal then I'll buzz in every now and then with styles, so take it away!

Seras: (Pulls a chair forward then sits and pretends to smoke a cigar as Alucard pretends to serve tea) Walter, you do realize why I called you in here correct?

Alucard: (Snaps his glasses in half and wears it like a monocle) For your afternoon tea?

Seras: No, I'm afraid it's a lot worse than that. Due to budget cuts thanks to the sidewinders we added to the helicopters, we're letting you go.

Porunga: (Buzz) Gladiator

Seras: But, if you defeat Alucard in battle, you shall be kept on! (Integra sighs then gets up, grabs Alucard's hat and puts it on. Alucard looks at her then laughs and grabs some string off his jacket)

Alucard: If I must Sir Integra. (Alucard and Integra run at each other and pretend to fight)

Porunga: (Buzz) Speed

Alexander: (Runs over to them and speaks like Ferguson) If Walter goes more than 80 Miles an Hour, he'll explode!

Seras: Damned Vatican and their Butler Bombs! (Slams her fist on her legs as Integra looks around confused, then tosses the hat back at Alucard)

Alexander: What shall we do?

Seras: He could run at the Vampires and blow them up

Porunga: (Buzz) The Shining

Alucard: Heeeere's WALTER! (Tosses the string everywhere and Seras and Alexander slump over pretending to be dead)

Porunga: (Buzzzzz) Very nice for a first try my friends, very nice. 10 points to each of you, and an extra 2,000 to Integra for actually getting in on the action. (Integra smiles and chuckles) Now we move on to a game called props, this is for all four of you. You will be given props and you must find ways of using them. (Alucard and Victoria get a large star, Integra and Alexander get a cross) Whenever you're ready folks, take it away.

Alucard: (Floats to the ceiling then throws the prop like a throwing star) Ninja! (Buzz)

Alexander: (Grabs the cross and uses it like a crutch) Damn Alucard and his guns (Integra actually cracks a smile then tips him over)

Seras: (Places it on the back of her hand) Releasing control art restriction to level two! (Alucard laughs and snatches it away)

Integra: (Holds the cross like the cross/gun Wolfwood from Trigun had and makes gunshot sounds)

Seras: (Looks up at Alucard who is floating while holding the star) Starlight, star bright…(Buzzzz)

Porunga: Ok, we'll be right back after a break, don't go away!

Disclaimer: Don't own Hellsing or Whose Line is it Anyway.

Author Notes: Read and Review, I want to see if this fic has potential for a second chapter.


	2. Part Two: Newscasters, scenes from a hat...

Whose Line is it Anyway: Hellsing Style

Porunga: Yes, hello and welcome back. The scores are all quite exciting, unlike the show. We will now move on to a game called Weird Newscasters, for all four contestants.

Integra: We're actually competing?

Porunga: Hardly. Anyway, In this game you all will report on the evening news, only Integra is the only sane one. The others all have little quirks that they must act out. So let's see, Integra is the head anchor and Alucard is your co-anchor. Alucard, your quirk is that you are Jan, and you think Integra is Luke.

Alucard: ….what the-?

Porunga: Seras, you're doing the sports and you're a Mooninite.

Victoria: WHAT?!

Porunga: Oh hush. Alexander, you're doing Weather and you've uncovered a gateway to hell behind your weather map.

Alexander: Oh perfect.

Porunga: So when you hear the news music, take it away.

Integra: (Sitting in a stool as the news music starts up. Alucard is sitting in a chair next to her laughing and trying to look like Jan. Alexander is to Alucard's left, Seras is off to Integra's right, looking slightly pissed.) Good evening, and welcome to BBC 3, 6:(checks her watch) 43 news. In today's top story, there are possums flying through the air in Brisbane. For more on that story we go to my co-anchor.

Alucard: Hey man, those little fcks at the Hellsing building won't know what fcking hit them, will they bro? (Starts repeating the f word over and over as Integra sighs and covers her face)

Integra: And now, let's see how things went in sports today with out very own Seras Victoria!

Seras: (Talks like Ignignokt) Yes, thank you inferior human. (Switches to Err) Give us some frigging beer! (Switches back) Yes, give us beer, or give us a clean shot with our death ray. Anyway, you're inferior Earth sports do not interest us, so we will simply leave (gives the finger to everyone and runs off)

Integra: Umm…let's move on to weather.

Alexander: (Using one of his knives as a pointer) Hey thanks, we should be having a heat wave over Hampshire for the next week or two, and the fire warnings in London are- (Pretends to poke the weather screen open and makes demonic yelling sounds. He looks behind him and then at Integra) I don't want to but…I just can't stop! (Pretends to dive into the weather screen then starts yelling) Oh God!! MTV, nothing but MTV! (Covers his ears) SOMEONE TURN OFF THE MICHAL BOLTON MUSIC!! (Stares at Porunga) So this is how you got two fics… (Rushes back through everything then pants and looks at Alucard) One of them has followed me here!!! (Stabs him) And then it's nothing but rain until Friday. Back to you Integra!

Integra: There you have it, the news…more or less. Until next time (pulls the blade out of Alucard and uses it to salute the camera) I'm gonna get drunk now! (buzzz)

Porunga: That was beautiful, 10,000 points to each of you. For out next game, you all get to play a personal favorite of mine, Scenes from a Hat. (There is much applause as they move to opposite sides) Let's see, your first scene is…things BIGDADDY and/or Porunga do in between updates.

Alucard: (Walks out and staggers around as if drunk, shortly joined by Alexander) And then…Ed goes, "but P-chan, you're my one and only" and I'm all like- (buzzz)

Seras: (Walks out along with Integra) Hey Porunga (They embrace and pretend to make out, followed by much laughing as Gunlord and Thunderchaos restrain BIGDADDY and Porunga)

Porunga: (calming down and smoothing out his hair) Ok…Reason's why Anderson hates Vampires

Seras: (Pulls out Anderson) I can float through walls and yoooou caaaan't! (Sticks out her tongue at Anderson)

Porunga: Day jobs for the cast when not working on a Hellsing episode.

Alexander: (Walks out and talks in monotone) Hello, welcome to McVatican, do you want an exorcism with your order?

Alucard: (Walks out and pretends to make a balloon animal, while Seras act's like a mime)

Porunga: (stares at Integra) …Well?

Integra: Well what?

Seras: Let's see something about you Miss Integra!

Integra: (sighs and steps out then starts pretending to play guitar and does the punk rock head bang. Porunga laughs his ass off and hits the buzzer hard)

Porunga: Oh dear God that was amazing! (Pulls out another scene) You have got to be freaking kidding me! Who wrote this down!?

Yami-Ko: I did! (laughs her ass off and runs out of the building)

Porunga: Security! (Ed runs out in a police uniform with the cap pulled over her eyes and runs into the audience) Oi Vey

Alucard: So what's the scene?

Porunga: (sighs and crumples it up) Things Porunga does while in dragon form (The cast laughs and shakes their heads)

Anderson: (walks out then picks his nose) Whoo, it's in there deep! (buzzzz)

Alucard: (Pretends to breathe fire) Marshmallows are done! (buzzzz)

Seras: (Walks out after grabbing Ed and starts making out with her as Integra makes funky porno music in the background)

Porunga: THAT'S A DAMN LIE!

Ed: But…Edward remembers us doing this about three days ago (buzzzzz)

Porunga: Nevermind, twenty eleven points to each of you.

Alexander: Eh?

Porunga: Point's don't matter, so I'll give you fake amounts if I want.

Alucard: Makes sense to me, priest

Alexander: Just shut up you disgusting creature.

Seras: Hey, don't talk to my master like that!

Integra: Would you all just shut up so we can continue?!

Porunga: Yeah, you act like 6 year olds. (adjusts his cards and straightens his hair out) Our next game is always a crowd pleaser, it's….

Seras: Oh no

Alexander: Anything but that!

Alucard: Huh? What's going on?

Porunga: ….Ho Down (The crowd goes wild as all four trudge up to the front in the following order: Integra, Alexander, Seras and Alucard) Now, we need a subject for this little Ho Down.

Rachel: Vampires!

Porunga: Well…it works. (Alexander sighs and shakes his head) Ok guys, let's hear the Vampire Ho Down (BIGDADDY starts to play the ho down theme on a piano)

Integra: Well I lead Hellsing,

It's a whole lot of work.

Cause we have to kill vampires,

After it gets dark.

Vampires really suck,

Except for Alucard

Cause when it comes to killing him

It is insanely hard! (Does a little doe-see-doe)

Alexander: Well I hate vampires,

They screwed up my life

One almost killed me

I was in major strife

Then I met the Vatican

And everything changed

I now kill vampires

But act a little deranged (hooks arms with Integra and spins around with her)

Seras: I just became a vampire

But I can't really adjust

I have to kill people

To satisfy my bloodlust!

But I guess it's pretty cool

To float through walls and things

And men always run away

When I have a mood swing! (High fives Integra)

Alucard: I am the Vampire King

I will be to the end

And because of that

I don't need any friends

But even though I'm the king

I still have to serve my master

All because of Van Helsing

That rotten stinking bastard!

Everyone: That rotten stinking Bastaaaaaaarrrd!

Porunga: That was wonderful! We'll be right back with more Hellsing style Whose Line right after this!

Disclaimer: Don't own jack.


	3. Part Three: Whose Line, Green Screen, Le...

**Whose Line is it Anyway: Hellsing Style!**

Porunga: Ahoy there loyal readers on We once again return to you with an awe inspiring chapter of Whose Line: Hellsing style! (Crowd cheers and Porunga smiles) Also good news, this fic will now be exclusively written on (More cheering) And as compensation for the confusion I may have caused last chapter, let me explain the characters. BIGDADDY and Gunlord are two friends of mine from I include them in most of my stories. They shall be dropped in this case though (Pulls a lever and the two plummet back to Ed is in reference to Edward Wong Hau Peplu Tivrusky the Fourth from Cowboy Bebop, who in the online community, is my love interest (gives a thumbs up making Alucard and Alexander shake their heads in disappointment) Also, in case you can't tell by my name, or the last chapter, I'm a dragon, but I was given a human form by way of a cursed spring, ala Ranma 1/2. But if you want the full story on that, you'll have to read my other fic, Padded Cell on But enough about that, let's get started with a game called…oh, this will be fun!

Seras: What is it? I hope it's whose line!

Integra: I thought that was the name of the show?

Porunga: It is, but there is also a game called "Whose Line" in which case two people act out a scene but are given three slips of paper with random quotes and line on them. Then they use the lines in the skit, but they never get to look at them except when they're about to say them. So at times it's just plain hilarious!

Seras: Ohhh, do I get to be in it!

Porunga: Yes, you get to play it along with Alexander (The two look at each other and sigh, disappointed) Don't give me that. Now, here are your lines and I need a suggestion of a place you meet vampires.

Random Dude: Night Club!

Porunga: Kinda clichéd, but it'll do. Ok, you're meeting at a nightclub, but as a twist it's because you contacted each other through an online dating service. Anytime you're ready!

Seras: (Pulls out 2 stools, smoothing her dress and crossing her legs as she sits on the first. Alexander steps up to her and sits next to her, both of them not saying a word for a minute or two)

Alexander: Are you "PoliceGirl666"?

Seras: Yeah, are you "T3HHolyMan"? (Everyone chuckles at the use of L33T speak as Alexander nods and looks at her)

Alexander: You look good…the dress is nice.

Seras: Thanks, you too. The cross makes a nice touch.

Alexander: (Looks at the cross around his neck and smiles) Oh, you like? Got it for 2 bucks at a yard sale. Nice bargain, but it tarnishes easily

Seras: Oh, I have a bit of a homemade remedy for that. My mom taught it too me.

Alexander: Really?

Seras: Yeah, she used to say, "Seras, always remember this…(pulls out a slip) God DAMN, my ass is on fire"! (Everyone laughs, Alexander snickering as Seras crumples up the paper and tosses it behind her) Yeah, she had eaten too many laxatives and… (Alexander looks grossed out then looks around)

Alexander: Service certainly is terrible here.

Seras: Oh I'm sure they'll get here eventually.

Alexander: Yes, and when they do, you know what I'm going to tell them? I'm gonna look the bartender straight in the eyes and say…(pulls out his own slip) Excuse me Mr. Hot Pants, but this isn't a fashion show!

Seras: (sweat drops) I'm…sure that will teach him…

Alexander: Damn straight it will! (Slaps his leg and then smiles, miming talking with a bartender) What will you have?

Seras: Well, I guess I'll have a Bloody Mary, but I have a special way of making them…(removes the second paper and snorts as she looks at it) That's it Mr. Giraffe, lick off all the marmalade. (The crowd howls with laughter, Porunga falling out of his chair and Alexander struggling to keep a straight face)

Alexander: Yes, well…that certainly is interesting…(Rummages around for his own second line but a knife falls out. Seras goes with it and looks at him strangely)

Seras: Are you a vampire hunter?

Alexander: Ummmm….(picks up the knife and fiddles with it) Maybe…

Seras: Well, as much as I like you, I want you to know I'm a vamp.

Alexander: Oh…dear…I don't know how to tell you this but I took an…you know, oath against them.

Seras: I see…how did it go?

Alexander: Well, it went like this. (Looks at it and sighs, dropping the paper) The snozzberries taste like snozzberries! (More laughter, Seras actually stumbling off stage to catch her breath)

Seras: Those are the last words I heard before my master was killed! I shall avenge him! (strikes a corny fighting pose as does Alexander)

Alexander: Any last words?

Seras: Surprisingly, I do. (Pulls out her last paper) THE PIPES ARE BROKEN! (Leaps at Alexander, landing on his chest and clutching on tight. Alexander hobbles around and lands on his back. Seras jumps up looking victorious while Alexander jumps up with one of his blades under his arm, giving the cheesy illusion that he's been stabbed)

Alexander: Before I die, I must tell you something…

Seras: And what would that be?

Alexander: I…can't believe…it's not butter (collapses and Porunga buzzes)

Porunga: Jeeze Louise, that was amazing, 23,000 points to you both for that (Alexander and Seras shake hands) Now, onto a little something that one of our reviewers asked for, Green Screen. Thanks for the idea Blumarshin!

Blumarshin: No prob! Just get on with it!

Porunga: You got it man…er…gal…whatever! Now then, this is a game for everyone but Alexander (Integra gets up, catching a mike thrown at her by Porunga while Alucard and Seras sit on a pair of stools) Integra will be an ace news reporter out in the field, but in reality she's only walking ten feet off screen to a green screen, where she won't be able to see what's going on behind her. However we will and Alucard and Seras will try to clue Integra in using hints. So when you're all ready, get moving!

Alucard: (Places his hand to his ear and starts talking to Seras) So then the doctor tells me it's contagious, and that I shouldn't pick at- (Looks up at the camera and clears his throat) We interrupt your regularly scheduled broadcast for this breaking news bulletin!

Seras: Ace Reporter Integra Hellsing is out on the field, Miss Integra can you hear us?

Integra: (Standing in front of a bunch of film clips of Clint Eastwood in his "Dirty Harry" Movies) Yes, I can barely hear you over the noise! It's terribly exciting, I must say that this is possibly the best moment in my entire career! (Looks behind her as the famous "Do you feel lucky" scene plays)

Alucard: (Smirks and chuckles) Tell us Integra, has this made your day?

Integra: Yes, I must admit that this has really made my day.

Seras: (Cringes as a man is shot) Tell us, doesn't this make you feel a little dirty, being out there in all…that?

Integra: Well, I'll tell you a secret. Just splash a little Pine-Sol on your hands and you'll be fine

Alucard: Indeed. (Pulls out his Jackal and begins pointing it at random things) I'll bet you feel just so lucky to be covering this monumental event, don't you?

Integra: Yeah, I'd say I'm pretty lucky.

Seras: (Talks in a low gravelly voice, imitating Clint Eastwood somewhat) Well, I seem to be getting a bit of a sore throat, so do you have any last words on the matter?

Integra: Yes…He did in fact fire 6 shots (Gets buzzed)

Porunga: You know where you are Integra?

Integra: In a Dirty Harry movie? (Buzz)

Porunga: Correct (Cheers from the audience) Now then, we have one final game for this chapter, and it is "Let's make a date". All four of you come on down, Seras is going to be on a dating show, and is trying to find a date, but she unfortunately only has those three to pick from. Now, normally she could probably find one she wants to go out with, but to throw a wrench in it we've given them strange identities that Seras will have to figure out. So when you're ready, get a move on.

Seras: (Crosses her legs and straightens out her hair) Bachelor Number 1, hello!

Alexander: (Japanese person running from Godzilla) Yes? (Moves his lips out of synch with what he's saying)

Seras: I love picnics. Where would you take me for a picnic?

Alexander: (Still moving his mouth out of time with his talking) Well, above all it has to be away from the coast, and the military has to be surrounding us (looks around then suddenly looks up and screams in terror) NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOO! (Runs off stage screaming)

Seras: Ummm….ok….Bachelor Number 2, same question.

Integra: (A Hippie convinced that all technology is evil) Duuuude, what?

Seras: A picnic…where would you take me for one?

Integra: Awwww maaaaaan, I dun know. Probably the woods…(Looks at the camera and grabs one of Alucard's guns, shooting at it) Dudes! Not cool! (Porunga leaps over his desk and wrestles the gun from her hands) Free nature man! (Looks disgruntled and pretends to smoke a joint)

Seras: Ummm…Bachelor 3?

Alucard: (Stephen Hawking on an out of control wheel chair) …. (In a hollow robotic voice) Yes?

Seras: Where would we go for a picnic?

Alucard: Well…any place handicap accessible. (Starts making a whirring noises and spinning around on the stool, still talking in a dull robot voice) Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. (Makes the whirring noises as he starts running around the studio, eventually colliding with Alexander in the middle of his "escape" from Godzilla. They both fall over and Alucard doesn't move.) Damn it…it…it…it…it…it…it

Porunga: (Buzz) Ok, I have no idea how you can possibly guess these roles, but, go ahead and try.

Seras: Well, bachelor #1 is from a Japanese b-movie

Porunga: Correct (Alexander claps his hands together and shakes them above his head in victory)

Seras: Bachelor #2 is a nature freak?

Porunga: Close, she's a hippie who thinks all technology is evil.

Seras: And #3 is Stephen Hawking!

Porunga: Right! (Everyone returns to their seats as the audience applauds) We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors, don't go away!


End file.
